Dear David

I'm writing this letter because I didn't want to do a little blurb on your Facebook page that I know you'd never read.  I find it a bit pointless.  Then again, you also won't see this letter that I'm writing to you on this obscure little blog.  I'm a bit of a hypocrite I guess, but this is just something that I know I need to get out.

Honestly, I didn't know you very well and you didn't know me either.  Really, all that really tied us together were the few years we attended high school together before you transferred to another school, and my father's business.  But I did know enough to know that you were a great guy.  A genuinely wonderful person.  It's so unfair that you would have to be ripped away from this world, quite literally.

You brought so much joy to everyone you came across in your life and tried so hard to include me in it as well.  I remember how we ran into each other at my father's restaurant after years of not seeing each other.  We both stared at each other, not sure if we knew each other or not, and then you said my name.  We exchanged numbers after that and you came to visit a few more times while I was working.

We bumped into each other in school a few times too, but I was always too busy to have a meal with you and your friends.  I was too involved in my own club activities and personal drama to go to your place for a barbeque.  I was in a bad spot at the time; my own problems were multiplied by the problems of everyone else's on my shoulders.  I don't know why everyone confided in me.  I was such an emotional train wreck at the time.

I'm sorry I never made the effort to become better friends with you.  This is an awful thing to say, but perhaps it was for the best -- I have a bad habit of becoming terribly attached to the people closest to me.  Hell, I barely knew you and after finding out about you death I cried.  I'd hate to image how I'd be acting if we were close friends.

You know, last night, I was reminiscing about all the negative happenings in my life.  Things I've had to deal with regarding my race, past boyfriends, past friendships that were more than just a little unstable.  And I wondered, what was the point of all this.  I contemplated about whether or not life was worth my efforts.

This morning, I woke up and took every single thought back.  I'm a bit late to the news.  I did notice a few people posting things on your Facebook page (we don't share many mutual friends), but I didn't think much of it until this morning when Skye posted something along the lines of "rest in peace".  In a panic, I went to your page and started reading the comments people were posting and I realized: "David is dead."  I looked at your pictures -- I especially liked the one of you standing in the snow in your camel colored trench coat playing the guitar with your friend.  I searched your name on google and found a local news article that explained what happened to you.

I'm so sorry for what happened.  I'm sorry to your mother who had just come from Korea to visit you.  I am sorry for everything.

I should have made more of an effort to be more than just an acquaintance.  I think you would have really liked my pug, Loki.  He would have loved you too -- or he would have been terrified of how gigantic you were.  I would have learned more of your philosophies.  For now, I will take away the one that you told me when we first reunited: "Make friends with everyone.  You never know when you'll need their help in the future" (you then added on that you may need a shrink in the future and pointed at me).  I'll add another part to this philosophy: "and you never know when good people will be taken away."

Even though I don't really know you, I love you and I will always miss you, David Kim.


Sincerely,
Jamie

A Daft Generation

This may seem ridiculous, but I am currently so angry that I feel like I am about to vomit.  Seriously, it took a lot of effort not to throw up in a fit of anger while driving home -- disgusting, I know. 

You may wonder what it was that would have caused me to lose my temper, the answer is simple: I was in a crowded place surrounded by idiots.

It started off as any normal day, with the addition of my family.  After our Fourth of July barbecue, I met up with some friends to watch the fireworks at the nearby University that has one of the biggest firework displays in the area.  It's quite nice -- situated right by the lake.  My friends and I had gotten there early in fear of a lack of parking/space.  Actually, it was pretty empty when we arrived, so we ended up getting a really good spot, right at the tip of the lake opposite where they light the fireworks.  We set up our blanket, laid out some snacks, and proceeded to talk while we waited for the show to start. 

At first, my friends and I were a bit annoyed by the number of children that were freely running around and screaming, but as it got later, it seemed as though they got tired.  But then the real annoyance began.  The area started to flood with high schoolers (there's nothing wrong with being in high school, in fact, I have a few cousins in high school that I rather like).

Please keep in mind that in a previous post, I had mentioned that I live/am from an affluent neighborhood.  I'm assuming that these kids were probably from around the same area as me, judging by how they carried themselves -- like they owned the world.  They were going around screaming, saying stupid hockey chants (yo, it's summer), and just doing stupid shit.

Not only were they openly smoking pot in a public area, but they were also setting off firecrackers.  Seriously?  In the middle of a crowded area?  One of them flew and almost hit my friend you fucking piece of dick cheese!

What makes you think that you have any right to be disrespectful on the day that America gained its independence (even though the colonies technically broke away from Britain on July 2nd, revised the treaty on the 4th, and had it signed August 2nd)?  Why would you expose children to marijuana and risk the safety of those around you?

I don't care, how fucking drunk you are right now.  I don't care how drunk you were last year.  I don't care how perfect and romantic this spot is (you're facing the wrong direction you fucking moron).  The only thing that I care about is the fact that my hand is on a glass bottle, and one of the only things keeping me from smashing it into your ball sack is the cop who just told you to empty your pockets. 

For once, the cops in the area are doing something other than pulling me over for running a red light because I had to pee. 

Thank you officer!  I would be very pleased to offer you a spot on our blanket.  I have some delicious dried mangoes, tea, my friend has bread, and our vantage point offers a very romantic atmosphere that reeks of skunk and dumb-ass. 

You can't tell me that isn't cool. 

Digging

Partying up with groundhogs because there isn't much else to do. 

Maybe we could play some games, but I have a tendency to lose.  I know I'm not really good at much, but I always give it my best shot.  But I always seem to overlook the fact that I'm not a groundhog, though I wish I were one.  I wish I looked the part, they might accept me and bring me in.

Maybe I can find another hole and party with some worms?  But I'm not a worm either...not to mention they're disgusting.

Ironically, I almost ran over a groundhog on the highway a couple days ago.  I probably would have bawled my eyes out if I did.  

Unconditional Love.

The unconditional love of a dog for its owner is truly amazing. 

This is true love. 

Sinking

It's difficult to feel appreciated when those closest to you don't always acknowledge your presence -- they have fun joking with each other, but don't try to include you in the conversation.  Instead they cluelessly keep talking to each other oblivious to how shitty you feel.

It's hard to feel appreciated when those closest to you don't make attempts to reach out first.  Even when you try to, they respond half-heatedly all the while responding in full force to someone else.

I've always been the type to just sit back and let things happen.  Whatever.  Do what you want.  I'll try not to let it consume me.

False Assumptions

Assumptions are something that every human has experienced and most likely make on a daily basis.  It's quite understandable and inevitable for us to make assumptions -- as social animals, we make assumptions about strangers to create a sort of "back story" to the person to help us judge whether or not they are likely to make a good companion (not specifically romantic).

For example: "That sales rep. is smiling and seems to enjoy what she's doing.  Maybe she'd be willing to help me." or "That sales rep. looks really angry.  She might snap at me if I approach." or even "That classmate looks like a really smart pushover.  I can probably convince him/her to let me copy his/her homework!"  Bad examples, but it gets the point across.

Assumptions are also made to fill in the gaps of a story so that we can better understand the flow of things.  

However, not all assumptions are good.  Some studies even suggest that physically attractive individuals are rated as being more sociable, friendly, and happy (but we all know that this is not always the case).  False assumptions are normal, I'm not saying that they're okay, but it happens.

Perhaps the most aggravating thing to me though, is when people make false assumptions about someone (they don't really know), and then start to gossip and spread rumors based on those false assumptions.

This is something that has happened a lot to my friends and I after we met a certain group of people.  I know, I promised a few people that I wouldn't let this bother me, but honestly, I feel like crap right now.  

What, are we in elementary school again (mind you, you didn't want to mess with me then; I was a bully)?  What is going on in your life right now, that you would feel the need to talk about me -- me, whom you only see once every other month?

People need to understand that doing this will cause misunderstandings about those who are involved, and those around them.  It can really fuck things up.

Not only did those stupid, fake words put stress on friendships, it just downright makes me feel shitty about myself.  Amazingly, even though the misunderstanding was cleared up, I still find it difficult to bring myself to speak to that person.

Thanks a lot.  I think we should all get our shit together.

Two.

I like the number two.  It's not one.  I never liked going first in presentations or demonstrations or anything.  Going second was always better.  In my opinion, there isn't as much pressure (unless the person who went before you was a genius and presented like an asshole, then there's always third and fourth).

But two years, that's another story.  Two years is a weird time frame -- it's not exactly a short amount of time, but it's not really long either.  It's kind of an inbetween number which is why I liked it to begin with.

Who knows what's going to happen in 2 years.  I may stay where I am, but there's a possibility I would have moved.  Maybe I'll be continuing my studies at that time, but who knows, maybe it just wasn't the right time yet.  In 2 years time, perhaps I would have fallen in love again, or perhaps I would be heart broken for the umpteenth time.  Maybe I'll have a well paying job, maybe not.  If I want to scare myself, I can wonder whether or not I started a family (I really hope not...).  Or if I want to be terrified, I can imagine myself being morbidly obese (yeah, 5 feet tall and 300 pounds probably wouldn't be the best look for me).

I was never really one to plan much in advance.

But right now, I'm diligently learning how to play Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here".  You know, oddly enough, when I was thinking of songs, Pink Floyd's melody came to mind and I was trying to decide between Led Zepplin's "Stairway to Heaven" and this song.  I ultimately decided on Pink Floyd without really remembering the name of the song.  Now I hope to master it in 2 years time.  But then again, I may just give up and pick another song.  You never know.

But here's to hoping that you come home safe and that we can see in one year instead of two.  See you soon, but maybe not?